Laying in bed thinking about him. Thinking about where my life is going. What I'm willing to sacrifice to get where I wanna go. It scares me to think that I am going to let everyone down and fail. It scares me to think that no one can love me. It scares me to think that I am going to pass up an amazing opportunity for love and then it scares me even more to think that I would pass up on Love for an amazing opportunity. It's always been" in 10 years I see myself married and blah blah blah"... & now, I see myself...just me. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm scared of not being enough. I'm scared of owning up to my real feelings. I'm scared of being second best for the rest of my life. I'm scared of repeating my mistakes.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I blog about everything and personally I don't give a poop if you like what you read here or not. If you have a problem then you can leave this page if you enjoy reading this then please don't ever stop.
Here's my honest trip: I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself some days and others I am just here. Being home is great, but when I transferred home for this year I thought I was going to be happier and more focused on myself, I don't even know who I am anymore. I think that's the worst part..waking up day to day and just not caring what happens. I used to wonder why I always felt like I had to be so busy all the time and why I hate being by myself...well i finally figured it out.
I have the best friends in the world, but it's hard being home and having a handful of people that I barely ever see. It sucks. I hate feeling like I am never going to get anywhere and I hate being upset over the same thing everytime, and bitchin about the same old thing. I hate feeling left behind and like I failed at life because I came back to TCC. I just wanna be allowd to be sad for me for like more than 5 minutes. I am more then happy to be there for anyone who needs me, but I wish I could be just sad and I could just cry for 15 minutes without someone on my case about something or without worrying about everyone else. I wish that I could cuddle up all day with my best friends and just watch movies and cry and eat ice cream.
If you wanna be like " ohkay Ashley stop feeling bad for yourself" if you are thinking that right now then you can get the hell off this page because you don't deserve to be in my life. I'm tired of people who rely on me and I can't even rely on them. I know someone who comes to me all the time about all this stuff she goes through and how hard everything is, and I feel for her and I am willing to do whatever I can do to help and make her feel better. But when I call to vent or stress she tells me to deal with it? Really? I stay up with you and listen to you cry about everything and you're going to tell me to get over it? Yeah, you're right I do expect too much out of people and I have this false hope that it still exist that people go out of there way for each other. I don't ask for a lot. I just want to be able to be focused on myself for like and hour without someone calling me selfish because I don't wanna deal with anyone elses crap.
I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet , but I can only be so strong for so long without breaking down. I'm human , I'm normal. I cry all the time. And if you have a problem with that then like I said earlier you don't need to be in my life. If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. Being stuck or lost or feeling alone, that isn't the worst thing that will ever happen to you, everyone deals with stuff. You just have to respect how they deal with it. Am I sad,? Yes. Am I going to kill myself? No. Am I blessed? You better believe it. Most battles and struggles you face our battles and struggles within yourself.
Thank you blogger for always letting me vent. Thank you to those few friends who I have cried in front of and love me no matter what. Thank you God for this life that you have given me that I clearly don't deserve but I am going to do everything I can to make you proud.
I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
-The Perks of Being A Wildflower-
Monday, October 8, 2012
Oh hi! It's funny how much school takes over your life and how all I want to do in my spare time is sleep! I opened this page not knowing what to write about. Nothing exciting has really been going on with me lately. I got a job, no one saw that coming! I'm really excited and nervous at the same time. But I am not going to blog about my job and how not excited you are for me. lol. So I thought I'd write about something that makes me happy and something that I know really well. That would be these 2 handsome men in this picture below.
He's not my boyfriend, but i love his smile, his hugs, his advice, the way we laugh together, everything about him. I guess i just fell in love with our friendship.
This quote above pretty much describes how I feel about these two boys who I so adore. They are my best friends and they make me smile like you would never understand. When I moved back home from Stephenville this past summer I was so so scared that I wasn't going to have friends. Well granted I don't have that many friends in Keller. But I have Keegan and Gallego, and I wouldn't ever ask for anything more. This past 5 months, I have had a lot of people come and go in my life. A lot of not so great males who have constantly let me down and proved me right. That saying that all guys are the same...it's a lie. If you're lucky in life you find a handful or so of guys that completely change your mind about everything. That's what my 2 best friends Keegan & Gallego did for me. I feel like I'm constantly on them about how wonderful I think they are and always reminding them about how much I love them. Simply because A.) I don't think they realize there worth and how special they are to me & B.) Because I never wanna lose them.
I can be having the worst day ever and they can instantly make it better just by being there. They are both so great and so different but so wonderful. I'm literally smiling right now thinking about all the dumb crap they do but it seriously makes me laugh and makes me realize how freakin blessed I am.
When I think about next school year and where I'll be it makes me sad, because there's a chance I wont be anywhere near Keller. Honest trip here, I hate Keller...but I love those boys. It's difficult thinking about not seeing them as often or pretty much ever after I most likely move to school. I can not describe how proud I am of both of them and how they never cease to amaze me and the things that they are capable of. They can always make me feel better without even trying.
They both have these certain ways about them. Gallego has this humor about him that I have never experienced with anyone else but him in my entire life. When we are all together I can laugh for hours about the dumbest thing. Keegan has this kindness about him. Not normal kindness, like a reassuring kindness that makes you love him more and more every time you talk to him. They are both such a blessing in my life and I don't think they will ever realize how much they have helped me in these past 5 months. It's like I have so much to say about them but I pretty much can't put everything into words. I just know I love them to the moon and back like a trillion and one times.
Dear God, thank you for these two. Thank you for knowing exactly just what I need in my life, you always do. Thank you for allowing them to still be in my life even after all the stupid annoying selfish things I do. You have blessed me with more than I deserve, including them. Amen.
xo- they make me happy when skies are gray.
HUGS AND KISSES TO MY BOYS <3
Saturday, September 15, 2012
I recently met a boy who made me smile more then I have in a long time. He was pretty great for the time being but not everyone seems to be who they really are anymore. Long story short, I was hurt for like 30 minutes but then I realized, people come into our lives for a reason.To teach us things, to make us wonder how things would be, to give us hope, to make us realize what we deserve. That's what this one boy did for me. He made me wonder and hope again for something better.
I know this blog is called " Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic", here's my number one confession. I'm scared. I'm scared to let someone in. I'm scared of getting to close to someone to quickly and losing them. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of falling in love with someone who couldn't love me back, because it hurts...a lot. I've recently done a lot of re-evaluating of my life, thoughts about my future, about my family and my friends, thoughts about where I hope to be in 10 years, & thoughts about what I want out of a relationship.
I've been praying a lot for God to grant me patience and to help me forgive those who have hurt me. He's working wonders in my life right now and I am so blessed.
I want a man who is going to text me in the morning. I want a man who will make me laugh more then I have ever laughed before. I want a man who will take silly/cute pictures with me. I want a man who will notice when I'm upset, and tell me a stupid joke to make me feel better. I want a man who likes long hugs. I want a man respects me. I want a man who won't rush things. I want a man who won't lie to me. I want a man who is prepared for a million questions, who's prepared for my family and my appetite and my random dancing when I'm in the kitchen baking cupcakes. I want a man who is prepared for my friends, and for my sad/happy tears. I want a man who believes in my imagination and doesn't laugh at me but laughs with me. I want a man who is going to walk in the rain with me and run with me every morning at 6AM. I want a man that is willing to have useless fights with me for no stupid reason and still cares about me after, because we're going to fight. I want a man who I can talk to for hours, one who can be goofy with me. I want a man who will always smile even when times get hard and someone who loves life the way I do. I want a man who will protect me and lend me their coat when I'm cold. I want a man who accepts for me who I am.
I have heard a thousand people tell me that this man that I believe in doesn't exist, but they're wrong. He's real, and I do believe everyone has one just special for them. You just have to be patient and let go of the things that hurt you and let someone in.
I think that's what's so hopeless about love, no one believes in it, till it happens to them. But when it happens, it's absolutely perfect and you may not know when it happens. You may know that one person right now as you're reading this. They might be your enemy or your best friend or someone you walked past in Walmart today. But I promise they are real.
When you stop chasing the wrong things, You give the right things a chance to catch you.
xo- With love, hopeless.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Maybe I'm not allowed to be mad.
Maybe I just expect to much out of people.
Maybe I'm overreacting
Maybe I just hope too much.
Maybe it's all in my head.
No matter who you are, please don't promise me anything and especially not 'forever'.
That's a long shot. Being attached to someone in anyway for forever is an exciting feeling.
Being friends forever. Being together forever.
The only human beings allowed to promise me forever are my best friends who actually mean it and my future husband.
I have those friends that I hang out with all the time for like a whole summer and then one day they just out of thin air, disappear. They promised to be my friend forever...I followed that statement by saying " Don't promise me that".
Why Ashley would you ever say that?- Well because I know better.
Guess what you are 14, you are not going to marry your boyfriend who you have been with for 1 month.
Oh, she's different now? Like she's done cheating on you? YOU'RE RIGHT! GO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER! SHE LOVES YOU SO MUCH.
You wanna be my best friend? Oh that is so sweet. Maybe you should try being there for me when I need you the most.
If you're reading this you are either totally agreeing with me or you're thinking wow this girl is psycho or you are saying to yourself...WHAT A BITTER ______ !.
I believe in life lasting friendships and I believe in fairy tales. But I know that you have to suffer and to hurt to appreciate the little things and to be happy. I mean at some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life. You have to realize that not everyone means every word they say. You have to realize that you are more passionate about life and this so called 'forever' than most of the people that you meet are. You have to realize that you're special and you mean what you say.
I've realized that I do too much for people. I've realized that I deserve better. I've realized that if you want to be in my life that you'll make the effort. I've realized that if I am trying to make something work and the other party is not, all I can do is pray and move on. I've realized that I am fragile and care so much. I've realized that people say a lot of things and they don't mean most of them, that's not saying that one day someone won't ever come along and mean what they say...because they will. They will be different and when they do..when you meet that person who actually gives a shit. Don't ever let them go.
P.S.- God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need. To help you. to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be.
-With love, the girl who is relying on herself.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
It's not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty. Making you feel weak and tired, and yet you can't even sleep cause the sadness is in your dreams too. It's almost a sadness you can't escape.
I can't really explain how I feel and I can't really explain why I feel like this. Maybe it's because I'm growing up and I'm not ready to yet. Maybe it's because I'm scared of losing the things that mean the most to me. Never have I been so sad and so tired at the same time, and at the worst timing ever. My 2 best friends just left for school, and I find it that at this time I need them more than ever. Leaving me with one person WHO HAS REALLY REALLY BEEN THERE FOR ME and her name is Jessika Ramirez. I'm so lucky to have her right now and she gets me so much.
You ever have those really wonderful friendships that you could talk about all the time and you just feel like you're getting left behind for whatever reason, like overnight they just disappear and don't want anything to do with you anymore. Well that's how I feel sometimes.
That's my annoying daily rant for now. No matter how I feel at the end of the day, I am so blessed to be given this life.
-With love, blessed no matter what.
Friday, August 17, 2012
"She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future." <3
Sometimes I wonder what kind of road I'm on, where my life is going. Why it feels like everyone around me is going places and my feet are just stuck to the ground. I feel like life is passing me by and I'm not doing anything about it. Sometimes I feel like something is missing, like something is off. Some people are luckier than others. Some people know what they are supposed to do and they do it. If you're like me you know what you want to do...you just don't know what you're supposed to do with it. I believe in trusting in God and I believe that he has a bigger plan for me then I have for myself. I want to take pictures for the rest of my life, I want to take pictures of the messes I make, of the people I meet, the animals and objects I love, the little things. I want to capture moments that people can not begin to describe till they look at a photo. I don't want to just take pictures of anything and have it not make a difference. I wanna travel and take pictures of problems around the world and I want to make people aware of what is going on outside there front doors. I want to help people understand things they can't with a snapshot. I want to see everything and be everywhere. I want to learn about cultures and global warming. I want to read everything and eat different foods doing it.I want to appreciate everything I have more then I do now. I just don't know how to do that. I have this crazy theory that if I focus on one HUGE GOAL I have everything will just fall into place and not to let anything distract me. But then again I feel like I'm missing everything. To Sum up my life in a statement, it would be : Being truly blessed with life changing obstacles.
I have been through enough to know that nothing worth having comes easy but for once I just wish it was. I wish I could have that insane 20 seconds of courage to tell him that I love him. I wish math was easy and I could just magically PASS that class. I wish my Jeep had gas all the time. I wish I could be with my amazing incredible beautiful smart funny friends all the time. I wish people wouldn't get their hearts broken and I wish I could open to someone without automatically assuming that I am going to be screwed over. I wish I could just be. I wish I could be happy all the time without feeling guilty for being happy when people have it so much worst then I ever will.
Nothing kills me more then not being able to help someone in the way they need me to help them, but in all honesty I need to help myself and I need to smile but sometimes it is so hard and then I think of PROVERBS31:25 ..." She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future."
Dear God, thank you for everything you have blessed me with and accept my apology for not being as grateful as I should be all the time. You have truly outdone yourself with my life. I know sometimes I stray , but I will always come back to you. I'm yours. " So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of THE ONE who gave it all " <3
So don't you worry your pretty little mind , people throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard<3 '
-With love, Fearless.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Do you know that there's a way out,
You don't have to be held down,
'Cause I used to be a shell
Yeah, I let him rule my world
But I woke up and grew strong
And I can still go on
And no one can take my pearl
You don't have to be shell, No
You're the one that rules your world,
You are strong and you'll learn
that you can still go on
And you'll always be a pearl
She is unstoppable
I have been sitting here for like 10 minutes trying to brainstorm what I wanted to title this blog...I came up with nothing.
Being with someone isn't about making someone happy and fitting up to what they want you to be, it's about being yourself and being loved for it, it's about letting the other person make you better & brighter. So why do we waste our time with people who will never matter?
Why do we get back together with our ex? For Security?
Isn't getting back together with your ex just like re-reading a book, you already know the ending. Nothing is more exhausting then seeing someone you care about so much hurt over and over again because they keep making the dumb mistake over and over again. But you live and learn, I suppose.
Sometimes it takes a girl 2 years to realize that she is better than an abusive relationship. Sometimes it takes a lot more than that. Either way, you're not the mistakes you made in the past. You're not the person you were in your last heartbroken relationship. You're better & you're stronger & now you know better. Don't fall back into that again. Why do you want to be with someone who put you through all that and have to do it all over again. After hanging out with an ex, I realized that I'm not who I used to be, that I am not going to sit around and take the same old crap I used to. I'm better than that.
VENTING ABOUT THAT OVER.
NEXT TOPIC: Disrespectful Buttholes.
Now Excuse my french by using the word a**hole. BUT THIS LITTLE DISRESPECTFUL PRICK DESERVED IT. I seriously hate people like this. You're foreign? OH YEAH? So that gives you an excuse to act like this? Do I care that posting this was immatuer, no. IF THIS BOY ADDS YOU ON FACEBOOK, Don't accept him and DON'T message him back (:
-With Love, Better than who I used to be <3
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
This is my best friend Kayla.
My Mom warned me about getting too close to people that are just going to leave me for at the end of the summer and how I would pretty much be in a world of pain. Well she was right, Kayla Stephens has been there for me and has taken care of me when I needed it. She has seen me go through just about everything in one whole Summer.
-Death of a close friend
-Death of a close friend
-Tears & Laughter.
Her family is amazing and has welcomed me into their home every time I came over. I am so lucky to have been apart of her Summer and I am so blessed she was a part of mine. You will never really understand how it feels to have to say " see ya later" to someone who you wont see till Christmas. It's hard. It was hard for me to say Goodbye to my other Best Friend Dani when I left for college last year and I was only an hour and half away. Kayla is going to be in a whole different state and it just hit me.
We had a going away dinner for her tonight at hard8 in Roanoke, most of the group was there...and I'm sitting in the restaurant thinking to myself , " this is the last time we are all going to be together in a very long time". That scares me. These people that I have surrounded myself with all summer are the best people I have ever met in my entire life. We share the same morals and humor, we share memories of screaming at some stupid haunted field that I will never go to again. These are my favorite people in the world, the friends that I hope I never lose.
Kayla is one of one of the most special girls I know and will never truly realize how wonderful she really is. She has taught me so much this summer, not to let the little things get to me, to just walk everything off. She is one of the strongest girls I know with the biggest heart in the world.
Kayla , you will never understand everything you've done for me. You have listened to me Bitch and Bitch about the same old thing all summer and you still support me. You have been there for me endless times and for things I could never really express to you how grateful I am for. You have gone to the park with me just to sit in silence. You have seen me at my highest point and my lowest points. You're my best friend and that's not going to change. I am so proud of you Kayla Stephens and I am going to miss you more then words can describe.
I love you from HERE to TENNESSEE and BACK.
-with love. - your best friend.
Monday, August 6, 2012
A friend is someone who understands your past,
believes in your future,
and accepts you just the way you are.
I could be super annoying and write about how much I really love his smile. But I figured I'd change things up tonight. I could go on and on about my friends & family! So now, I'm welcoming you into the one and only thing I have and ever will be sure of, & that is the people I surround myself with. Let me tell ya bout my best friends.
" She's my person. If I murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She's my person"- Greys Anatomy I have known this girl since 8th grade, I have been best friends with this psycho for almost 2 years. Sometimes I wonder how I survived without for so long. God does such wonderful things and has a plan and I am so blessed to have her in my life and to be lucky enough to be in hers. No matter how many friends I have lost or gained within these past 2 years, she has been by my side the whole time. She gets me more then anyone I have ever met. She's my sister, my other half and my world. She's my best friend in the entire world and I would do anything for her.
This is my ADD friend Taylor. You could say she is the light of my life. We have been best friends since the 9th grade and she is also one of my tallest friends. (: It's like this, when something is wrong and I just blow it off..she's always been there for me annoying me till I tell her what's wrong. She knows me & I know her. If I had to compare our friendship to someone it would be like us to JWOW & Snooki. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. She is one of the most beautiful girls I know and I'm so blessed to have her.
NO she is not apart of the Weasley family if that is what you were wondering but she is apart of mine. They say your best friends are the family that you can choose. Well I didn't choose Kellen, Tarleton State University did and our friendship was the best thing that came out of a University that I will never attend again. Kellen was my roommate and if I am being completely honest I have no idea how we did it! She has seen me at best and at my worse, literally...she woke me up every morning!This girl has completely changed me and helped me mold into a better person with an edgier side. She taught me how to have more fun then I already do.
& then there is Kayla...lol. I don't know what really brought us together but it's like when we were hanging out with a big group of friends we were automatically drawn to each other. Kayla is this beautiful hilarious crazy girl who equals me out in this weird awkward we only have a few friends way. We have been best friends just this past summer, but I wouldn't change that for the world. I am going to miss her when she leaves for school and I'm going to be loser on my couch because I wont see her till Christmas.
Jessika is like my reality check, the person I go to when I need to hear the truth, the one I go to just to be reminded how special I really am. She's that person that has never failed to be there for me. We have been through so much together and we have only been best friends for 2 years. She never fails to put a smile on my face.
Maddie & I aren't as close as I am with others, but we are getting there. This girl is seriously such a reassurance that I am not crazy because it is seriously like we are the same person! Maddie is my comic relief with a side of encouragement. She's beautiful in so many ways & I just adore her <3
Erik has been like my brother for as long as I can remember. Sometimes he really bothers me because he's really smart lol, but if I think about it, I really don't know what I would do without him. He's always been there for me and I know will continue to be there for me. He is such a great guy & I love him so.
I have known Alex for 6 years. Alex & I have this weird way of communicating. It's a different language and it's called sarcasm. I can't really explain our friendship...but it's pretty darn great and I love him so.
Keegan and I have been best friends since June, but like a lot of my wonderful friendships..it's completely different from any kind of friendship that I have had. Keegan has this kind way about him that I adore and wish I could be like. He's never failed to not be there for me. We have had our ups and downs but I wouldn't trade him for the world.
Jesse is this different kind of wonderful, the kind you can't find just anywhere. He's stupid as can be and so funny at the same time! I miss him so. He hit on me at orientation and totally stalked me the summer before my freshman year (; but we totally are going to be the best of friends till were dead!
Yes I know, Taylor Newman is not Justin Bieber..but I don't have a picture of us together so I used the next big thing. Taylor is probably the sweetest guy that I have ever met. He has such a big heart and desire to help others in need. He's always encouraged me and believed me when everyone else was negative. I love this kid to pieces and I am so lucky he is in my life!
I havent seen or talked to Jordan much at all this summer. But that doesnt mean he isnt my best friend anymore. We have been through so much together and he has seen me in every situation. I trust this kid with my life and writing this it just hit me how much I miss him. Jordan is unlike any other person I have met. I love him.
Words can't describe how wonderful this young man in. Best thing my mother ever did was be obnoxious and include him in a conversation at Disney World & that's where it all began. So many memories with this boy that I wouldn't trade for the world. I miss him so much and am so lucky to have him.
& that's really it. I have the best chosen family ever.
With love- So blessed.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Does not always mean that you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.
I have a friend, we promised a while back that we would be there for each other even if we didn't know how to let someone in. Now that valued friendship is slowly coming to a close, simply because things are not always as easy as they seem. Maybe it's my fault, getting to close to people too quickly. Maybe I'm just wanting to take the blame for the sake of my friendship. But for once, I want someone to fight for me, to fight for my friendship. I'm sick of doing everything for everyone to fix everything. We don't live in a perfect world, and I just kinda need to accept that. I know this friend I have cares about me and I care about them so much, I just don't know how to deal with anything anymore. It's like being in a really good relationship and then one little mistake can cause so much tension, it's not that you don't care , you just can't anymore. I'm 19, the world is scary....but it's even scarier thinking about dealing with the world without one of your closest friends. </3
On the bright side, I have amazing friends who will always be there for me. I just need to keep reminding myself that people come and go for a reason, that people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out, that some people were always meant to say goodbye.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Fancy meeting you here (;
I'm Ashley. I'm 19 years of age. I'm a hopeless romantic and I have expectations.
I decided to have a blog due to the fact that I have a million thoughts run through my head all day every day and I think to myself sometimes " I should really write a book". Now I'm not writing a book or anything on here, but it's a good place for me to keep track of all my thoughts. Ever since I was little, My Mom had me watching Classic Disney movies...that leads to having the belief that everything works out in the end and that the Prince will always have a long monologue professing his true love for the Princess. In life it doesn't always work out that. Life, it is a lot more complicated than that. But for some sad reason , I still believe in fairy tales and I believe that when you find the right person you will get that minute long monologue and happy ending that you have dreamed of since you were a little girl. I'm not going to get on my high horse today and tell you all about my life, we will save that for another day.
-With love. Your Hopeless Romantic. <3