Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wish I never grew up...

I blog about everything and personally I don't give a poop if you like what you read here or not.  If you have a problem then you can leave this page if you enjoy reading this then please don't ever stop. 
Here's my honest trip: I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything?  Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself some days and others I am just here. Being home is great, but when I transferred home for this year I thought I was going to be happier and more focused on myself, I don't even know who I am anymore. I think that's the worst part..waking up day to day and just not caring what happens. I used to wonder why I always felt like I had to be so busy all the time and why I hate being by myself...well i finally figured it out. 
I have the best friends in the world, but it's hard being home and having a handful of people that I barely ever see. It sucks. I hate feeling like I am never going to get anywhere and I hate being upset over the same thing everytime, and bitchin about the same old thing.  I hate feeling left behind and like I failed at life because I came back to TCC. I just wanna be allowd to be sad for me for like more than 5 minutes. I am more then happy to be there for anyone who needs me, but I wish I could be just sad and I could just cry for 15 minutes without someone on my case about something or without worrying about everyone else. I wish that I could cuddle up all day with my best friends and just watch movies and cry and eat ice cream.
If you wanna be like " ohkay Ashley stop feeling bad for yourself" if you are thinking that right now then you can get the hell off this page because you don't deserve to be in my life. I'm tired of people who rely on me and I can't even rely on them. I know someone who comes to me all the time about all this stuff she goes through and how hard everything is, and I feel for her and I am willing to do whatever I can do to help and make her feel better. But when I call to vent or stress she tells me to deal with it? Really? I stay up with you and listen to you cry about everything and you're going to tell me to get over it? Yeah, you're right I do expect too much out of people and I have this false hope that it still exist that people go out of there way for each other. I don't ask for a lot. I just want to be able to be focused on myself for like and hour without someone calling me selfish because I don't wanna deal with anyone elses crap. 
I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet , but I can only be so strong for so long without breaking down. I'm human , I'm normal. I cry all the time. And if you have a problem with that then like I said earlier you don't need to be in my life. If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. Being stuck or lost or feeling alone, that isn't the worst thing that will ever happen to you, everyone deals with stuff. You just have to respect how they deal with it.  Am I sad,? Yes. Am I going to kill myself? No. Am I blessed? You better believe it. Most battles and struggles you face our battles and struggles within yourself. 
Thank you blogger for always letting me vent. Thank you to those few friends who I have cried in front of and love me no matter what. Thank you God for this life that you have given me that I clearly don't deserve but I am going to do everything I can to make you proud.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that.  That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that.  I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.  That's why I'm trying not to think.  I just want it all to stop spinning.
-The Perks of Being A Wildflower-


1 comment:

  1. You pretty much described my whole life. I love you <3