Thursday, October 11, 2012

Let's make this short and sweet.
He makes me smile a whole lot. 
God knows what you need. 
He knew what I needed. 
& He gave it to me at the right time.
For once, I feel special.

xo- blessed. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wish I never grew up...

I blog about everything and personally I don't give a poop if you like what you read here or not.  If you have a problem then you can leave this page if you enjoy reading this then please don't ever stop. 
Here's my honest trip: I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything?  Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself some days and others I am just here. Being home is great, but when I transferred home for this year I thought I was going to be happier and more focused on myself, I don't even know who I am anymore. I think that's the worst part..waking up day to day and just not caring what happens. I used to wonder why I always felt like I had to be so busy all the time and why I hate being by myself...well i finally figured it out. 
I have the best friends in the world, but it's hard being home and having a handful of people that I barely ever see. It sucks. I hate feeling like I am never going to get anywhere and I hate being upset over the same thing everytime, and bitchin about the same old thing.  I hate feeling left behind and like I failed at life because I came back to TCC. I just wanna be allowd to be sad for me for like more than 5 minutes. I am more then happy to be there for anyone who needs me, but I wish I could be just sad and I could just cry for 15 minutes without someone on my case about something or without worrying about everyone else. I wish that I could cuddle up all day with my best friends and just watch movies and cry and eat ice cream.
If you wanna be like " ohkay Ashley stop feeling bad for yourself" if you are thinking that right now then you can get the hell off this page because you don't deserve to be in my life. I'm tired of people who rely on me and I can't even rely on them. I know someone who comes to me all the time about all this stuff she goes through and how hard everything is, and I feel for her and I am willing to do whatever I can do to help and make her feel better. But when I call to vent or stress she tells me to deal with it? Really? I stay up with you and listen to you cry about everything and you're going to tell me to get over it? Yeah, you're right I do expect too much out of people and I have this false hope that it still exist that people go out of there way for each other. I don't ask for a lot. I just want to be able to be focused on myself for like and hour without someone calling me selfish because I don't wanna deal with anyone elses crap. 
I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet , but I can only be so strong for so long without breaking down. I'm human , I'm normal. I cry all the time. And if you have a problem with that then like I said earlier you don't need to be in my life. If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. Being stuck or lost or feeling alone, that isn't the worst thing that will ever happen to you, everyone deals with stuff. You just have to respect how they deal with it.  Am I sad,? Yes. Am I going to kill myself? No. Am I blessed? You better believe it. Most battles and struggles you face our battles and struggles within yourself. 
Thank you blogger for always letting me vent. Thank you to those few friends who I have cried in front of and love me no matter what. Thank you God for this life that you have given me that I clearly don't deserve but I am going to do everything I can to make you proud.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that.  That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that.  I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.  That's why I'm trying not to think.  I just want it all to stop spinning.
-The Perks of Being A Wildflower-


Monday, October 8, 2012

They make me happy when skies are gray.

Oh hi! It's funny how much school takes over your life and how all I want to do in my spare time is sleep! I opened this page not knowing what to write about. Nothing exciting has really been going on with me lately. I got a job, no one saw that coming! I'm really excited and nervous at the same time. But I am not going to blog about my job and how not excited you are for me. lol. So I thought I'd write about something that makes me happy and something that I know really well. That would be these 2 handsome men in this picture below. 

He's not my boyfriend, but i love his smile, his hugs, his advice, the way we laugh together, everything about him. I guess i just fell in love with our friendship.

This quote above pretty much describes how I feel about these two boys who I so adore. They are my best friends and they make me smile like you would never understand. When I moved back home from Stephenville this past summer I was so so scared that I wasn't going to have friends. Well granted I don't have that many friends in Keller. But I have Keegan and Gallego, and I wouldn't ever ask for anything more. This past 5 months, I have had a lot of people come and go in my life. A lot of not so great males who have constantly let me down and proved me right. That saying that all guys are the's a lie. If you're lucky in life you find a handful or so of guys that completely change your mind about everything. That's what my 2 best friends Keegan & Gallego did for me. I feel like I'm constantly on them about how wonderful I think they are and always reminding them about how much I love them. Simply because A.) I don't think they realize there worth and how special they are to me & B.)  Because I never wanna lose them.

 I can be having the worst day ever and they can instantly make it better just by being there. They are both so great and so different but so wonderful. I'm literally smiling right now thinking about all the dumb crap they do but it seriously makes me laugh and makes me realize how freakin blessed I am. 

When I think about next school year and where I'll be it makes me sad, because there's a chance I wont be anywhere near Keller. Honest trip here, I hate Keller...but I love those boys. It's difficult thinking about not seeing them as often or pretty much ever after I most likely move to school. I can not describe how proud I am of both of them and how they never cease to amaze me and the things that they are capable of. They can always make me feel better without even trying.

They both have these certain ways about them. Gallego has this humor about him that I have never experienced with anyone else but him in my entire life. When we are all together I can laugh for hours about the dumbest thing. Keegan has this kindness about him. Not normal kindness, like a reassuring kindness that makes you love him more and more every time you talk to him.  They are both such a blessing in my life and I don't think they will ever realize how much they have helped me in these past 5 months. It's like I have so much to say about them but I pretty much can't put everything into words. I just know I love them to the moon and back like a trillion and one times.

Dear God, thank you for these two. Thank you for knowing exactly just what I need in my life, you always do. Thank you for allowing them to still be in my life even after all the stupid annoying selfish things I do. You have blessed me with more than I deserve, including them. Amen.

xo- they make me happy when skies are gray.