I'm scared.

Laying in bed thinking about him. Thinking about where my life is going. What I'm willing to sacrifice to get where I wanna go. It scares me to think that I am going to let everyone down and fail. It scares me to think that no one can love me. It scares me to think that I am going to pass up an amazing opportunity for love and then it scares me even more to think that I would pass up on Love for an amazing opportunity.  It's always been" in 10 years I see myself married and blah blah blah"... & now, I see myself...just me. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm scared of not being enough. I'm scared of owning up to my real feelings. I'm scared of being second best for the rest of my life. I'm scared of repeating my mistakes.

]

Let's make this short and sweet.

He makes me smile a whole lot. 
God knows what you need. 
He knew what I needed. 
& He gave it to me at the right time.

For once, I feel special.

xo- blessed. 

Wish I never grew up...

I blog about everything and personally I don't give a poop if you like what you read here or not.  If you have a problem then you can leave this page if you enjoy reading this then please don't ever stop. 

Here's my honest trip: I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything?  Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself some days and others I am just here. Being home is great, but when I transferred home for this year I thought I was going to be happier and more focused on myself, I don't even know who I am anymore. I think that's the worst part..waking up day to day and just not caring what happens. I used to wonder why I always felt like I had to be so busy all the time and why I hate being by myself...well i finally figured it out. 

I have the best friends in the world, but it's hard being home and having a handful of people that I barely ever see. It sucks. I hate feeling like I am never going to get anywhere and I hate being upset over the same thing everytime, and bitchin about the same old thing.  I hate feeling left behind and like I failed at life because I came back to TCC. I just wanna be allowd to be sad for me for like more than 5 minutes. I am more then happy to be there for anyone who needs me, but I wish I could be just sad and I could just cry for 15 minutes without someone on my case about something or without worrying about everyone else. I wish that I could cuddle up all day with my best friends and just watch movies and cry and eat ice cream.

If you wanna be like " ohkay Ashley stop feeling bad for yourself" if you are thinking that right now then you can get the hell off this page because you don't deserve to be in my life. I'm tired of people who rely on me and I can't even rely on them. I know someone who comes to me all the time about all this stuff she goes through and how hard everything is, and I feel for her and I am willing to do whatever I can do to help and make her feel better. But when I call to vent or stress she tells me to deal with it? Really? I stay up with you and listen to you cry about everything and you're going to tell me to get over it? Yeah, you're right I do expect too much out of people and I have this false hope that it still exist that people go out of there way for each other. I don't ask for a lot. I just want to be able to be focused on myself for like and hour without someone calling me selfish because I don't wanna deal with anyone elses crap. 

I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet , but I can only be so strong for so long without breaking down. I'm human , I'm normal. I cry all the time. And if you have a problem with that then like I said earlier you don't need to be in my life. If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. Being stuck or lost or feeling alone, that isn't the worst thing that will ever happen to you, everyone deals with stuff. You just have to respect how they deal with it.  Am I sad,? Yes. Am I going to kill myself? No. Am I blessed? You better believe it. Most battles and struggles you face our battles and struggles within yourself. 

Thank you blogger for always letting me vent. Thank you to those few friends who I have cried in front of and love me no matter what. Thank you God for this life that you have given me that I clearly don't deserve but I am going to do everything I can to make you proud.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that.  That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that.  I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.  That's why I'm trying not to think.  I just want it all to stop spinning.

-The Perks of Being A Wildflower-

-Ashley 

They make me happy when skies are gray.

Oh hi! It's funny how much school takes over your life and how all I want to do in my spare time is sleep! I opened this page not knowing what to write about. Nothing exciting has really been going on with me lately. I got a job, no one saw that coming! I'm really excited and nervous at the same time. But I am not going to blog about my job and how not excited you are for me. lol. So I thought I'd write about something that makes me happy and something that I know really well. That would be these 2 handsome men in this picture below. 

He's not my boyfriend, but i love his smile, his hugs, his advice, the way we laugh together, everything about him. I guess i just fell in love with our friendship.

This quote above pretty much describes how I feel about these two boys who I so adore. They are my best friends and they make me smile like you would never understand. When I moved back home from Stephenville this past summer I was so so scared that I wasn't going to have friends. Well granted I don't have that many friends in Keller. But I have Keegan and Gallego, and I wouldn't ever ask for anything more. This past 5 months, I have had a lot of people come and go in my life. A lot of not so great males who have constantly let me down and proved me right. That saying that all guys are the same...it's a lie. If you're lucky in life you find a handful or so of guys that completely change your mind about everything. That's what my 2 best friends Keegan & Gallego did for me. I feel like I'm constantly on them about how wonderful I think they are and always reminding them about how much I love them. Simply because A.) I don't think they realize there worth and how special they are to me & B.)  Because I never wanna lose them.

 I can be having the worst day ever and they can instantly make it better just by being there. They are both so great and so different but so wonderful. I'm literally smiling right now thinking about all the dumb crap they do but it seriously makes me laugh and makes me realize how freakin blessed I am. 

When I think about next school year and where I'll be it makes me sad, because there's a chance I wont be anywhere near Keller. Honest trip here, I hate Keller...but I love those boys. It's difficult thinking about not seeing them as often or pretty much ever after I most likely move to school. I can not describe how proud I am of both of them and how they never cease to amaze me and the things that they are capable of. They can always make me feel better without even trying.

They both have these certain ways about them. Gallego has this humor about him that I have never experienced with anyone else but him in my entire life. When we are all together I can laugh for hours about the dumbest thing. Keegan has this kindness about him. Not normal kindness, like a reassuring kindness that makes you love him more and more every time you talk to him.  They are both such a blessing in my life and I don't think they will ever realize how much they have helped me in these past 5 months. It's like I have so much to say about them but I pretty much can't put everything into words. I just know I love them to the moon and back like a trillion and one times.

Dear God, thank you for these two. Thank you for knowing exactly just what I need in my life, you always do. Thank you for allowing them to still be in my life even after all the stupid annoying selfish things I do. You have blessed me with more than I deserve, including them. Amen.

xo- they make me happy when skies are gray. 

HUGS AND KISSES TO MY BOYS <3 

xoxo.

 

Love is Hopeless.

I recently met a boy who made me smile more then I have in a long time. He was pretty great for the time being but not everyone seems to be who they really are anymore. Long story short, I was hurt for like 30 minutes but then I realized, people come into our lives for a reason.To teach us things, to make us wonder how things would be, to give us hope, to make us realize what we deserve. That's what this one boy did for me. He made me wonder and hope again for something better.

I know this blog is called " Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic", here's my number one confession. I'm scared. I'm scared to let someone in. I'm scared of getting to close to someone to quickly and losing them. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of falling in love with someone who couldn't love me back, because it hurts...a lot. I've recently done a lot of re-evaluating of my life, thoughts about my future, about my family and my friends, thoughts about where I hope to be in 10 years, & thoughts about what I want out of a relationship.

I've been praying a lot for God to grant me patience and to help me forgive those who have hurt me. He's working wonders in my life right now and I am so blessed. 

I want a man who is going to text me in the morning. I want a man who will make me laugh more then I have ever laughed before. I want a man who will take silly/cute pictures with me. I want a man who will notice when I'm upset, and tell me a stupid joke to make me feel better. I want a man who likes long hugs. I want a man respects me. I want a man who won't rush things. I want a man who won't lie to me. I want a man who is prepared for a million questions, who's prepared for my family and my appetite and my random dancing when I'm in the kitchen baking cupcakes. I want a man who is prepared for my friends, and for my sad/happy tears. I want a man who believes in my imagination and doesn't laugh at me but laughs with me. I want a man who is going to walk in the rain with me and run with me every morning at 6AM. I want a man that is willing to have useless fights with me for no stupid reason and still cares about me after, because we're going to fight.  I want a man who I can talk to for hours, one who can be goofy with me. I want a man who will always smile even when times get hard and someone who loves life the way I do.  I want a man who will protect me and lend me their coat when I'm cold. I want a man who accepts for me who I am.

I have heard a thousand people tell me that this man that I believe in doesn't exist, but they're wrong. He's real, and I do believe everyone has one just special for them. You just have to be patient and let go of the things that hurt you and let someone in.

I think that's what's so hopeless about love, no one believes in it, till it happens to them. But when it happens, it's absolutely perfect and you may not know when it happens. You may know that one person right now as you're reading this. They might be your enemy or your best friend or someone you walked past in Walmart today. But I promise they are real. 

When you stop chasing the wrong things, You give the right things a chance to catch you. 

xo- With love, hopeless. 

Forever is a long time.

Maybe I'm not allowed to be mad.

Maybe I just expect to much out of people. 

Maybe I'm overreacting 

Maybe I just hope too much.

Maybe it's all in my head. 

No matter who you are, please don't promise me anything and especially not 'forever'. 

That's a long shot. Being attached to someone in anyway for forever is an exciting feeling. 

Being friends forever. Being together forever. 

The only human beings allowed to promise me forever are my best friends who actually mean it and my future husband. 

I have those friends that I hang out with all the time for like a whole summer and then one day they just out of thin air, disappear. They promised to be my friend forever...I followed that statement by saying " Don't promise me that". 

Why Ashley would you ever say that?- Well because I know better. 

Guess what you are 14, you are not going to marry your boyfriend who you have been with for 1 month. 

Oh, she's different now? Like she's done cheating on you? YOU'RE RIGHT! GO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER! SHE LOVES YOU SO MUCH.

You wanna be my best friend? Oh that is so sweet. Maybe you should try being there for me when I need you the most.

If you're reading this you are either totally agreeing with me or you're thinking wow this girl is psycho or you are saying to yourself...WHAT A BITTER ______ !. 

I believe in life lasting friendships and I believe in fairy tales. But I know that you have to suffer and to hurt to appreciate the little things and to be happy.   I mean at some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life. You have to realize that not everyone means every word they say. You have to realize that you are more passionate about life and this so called 'forever' than most of the people that you meet are. You have to realize that you're special and you mean what you say.  

I've realized that I do too much for people. I've realized that I deserve better. I've realized that if you want to be in my life that you'll make the effort. I've realized that if I am trying to make something work and the other party is not, all I can do is pray and move on. I've realized that I am fragile and care so much. I've realized that people say a lot of things and they don't mean most of them, that's not saying that one day someone won't ever come along and mean what they say...because they will. They will be different and when they do..when you meet that person who actually gives a shit. Don't ever let them go.

P.S.- God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need. To help you. to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be.

-With love,  the girl who is relying on herself.

This type of sadness.

It's not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty. Making you feel weak and tired, and yet you can't even sleep cause the sadness is in your dreams too. It's almost a sadness you can't escape. 

I can't really explain how I feel and I can't really explain why I feel like this. Maybe it's because I'm growing up and I'm not ready to yet. Maybe it's because I'm scared of losing the things that mean the most to me. Never have I been so sad and so tired at the same time, and at the worst timing ever. My 2 best friends just left for school, and I find it that at this time I need them more than ever. Leaving me with one person WHO HAS REALLY REALLY BEEN THERE FOR ME and her name is Jessika Ramirez. I'm so lucky to have her right now and she gets me so much. 

You ever have those really wonderful friendships that you could talk about all the time and you just feel like you're getting left behind for whatever reason, like overnight they just disappear and don't want anything to do with you anymore. Well that's how I feel sometimes.

 

That's my annoying daily rant for now. No matter how I feel at the end of the day, I am so blessed to be given this life.

-With love, blessed no matter what.